Why do we share a bed with the one we love?
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It is said that Rene Descartes developed the Cartesian coordinate system while lying in bed watching a fly crawl across the ceiling of his room. While no stroke of genius, I developed the thoughts below while lying tucked beneath the same set of bedclothes on the same mattress as my girlfriend—writhing in the excruciating pain of non-sleep.
My main thought: sleeping in the same bed with someone kind of sucks. I much prefer a space all to myself.
We want out of the system, but we don’t want to break from it. There is a first-mover disadvantage in a myriad of ways: hurt feelings, fears of rejection, disapproving comments from friends or family.
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To continue with Descartes, the bed is a large rectangle. A couple lies together within that rectangle—usually under one set of bedclothes. This is a system. A system constrains the individual pieces of that system. There are the struggles for territory and comfort. The desire to achieve comfort while also not wanting your comfort to come at the expense of the comfort of the one next to you. This limited system requires these two moving parts to be in sync with each other—not only in terms of the sleep cycles but also their “comfort quirks”: their desired temperature, and other environmental factors like background noise or lighting.
As I write this, my girlfriend is asleep. She wasn’t asleep thirty minutes ago when I got up out of bed to come write this post. She was playing on her phone because she couldn’t get the nod. It could be that she would have fallen asleep had I stayed in the bed, but her insomnia follows a pattern. When I leave the bed in the middle of the night—as is my habit—she miraculously falls asleep. She sprawls out catty-corner across the bed—her arms splayed over into my evacuated hemisphere. Likewise, my best sleep is captured when she’s not in bed with me. When she heads to work in the morning on my days off, the few hours that I have the bed to myself make up the bulk of my quality sleep time.
I don’t think this is a very controversial topic, though I have received hostile looks and tsks when mentioning in the past that I’m not fond of sleeping next to another person whose body is putting off heat, whom I have to engage in an unconscious struggle for cover, and whose bodily movements jar me out of REM. It’s impossible to ignore that bed comfort is important in our society. We are concerned with the efficient use of time and sleep. We want eight hours of sleep—the more solid the better.
Mattress stores are about as common today as vitamin shops, organic markets, and gourmet coffeehouses. Consumers are dying for bed comfort, but they’ve yet to make a massive push towards decoupled sleep. Not only do we have the bed stores, but we have the Brookstone outlets that sell all sorts of sleep aid devices; we have the TV commercials advertising special comfort beds whose major selling points include isolated springs which prevent one person’s bed movement from disturbing the other. We want out of the system, but we don’t want to break from it. There is a first-mover disadvantage in a myriad of ways: hurt feelings, fears of rejection, disapproving comments from friends or family.
And then, of course, we have the covers. This is a widespread cultural meme—fighting for covers. This is the natural outcome of a systemic over- and under-lay. What we have is a turf battle on two fronts—one above and one below the couple lying in limbo. When presented this way, I have to ask, what is so great about sleeping in the same bed?
As we’d expect, research has been conducted on this topic, and it seems perfectly intuitive. Research from the University of Vienna found that when men slept with a partner they performed worse on cognitive tests than when they’d slept without a partner. They also displayed higher stress hormones. Women, on the other hand, did not display such drastic changes in mental ability and stress. They were able to reach deeper sleep when sleeping with a partner.
I also wonder if there are any latent frustrations stemming from the bed turf battle that later show up as relationship problems. As Dr. Neil Stanley at the University of Surrey said:
Historically, we have never been meant to sleep in the same bed as each other. It is a bizarre thing to do. Sleep is the most selfish thing you can do and it’s vital for good physical and mental health. Sharing the bed space with someone who is making noises and who you have to fight with for the duvet is not sensible. If you are happy sleeping together that’s great, but if not there is no shame in separate beds.
So what keeps us from admitting that coupled sleep is a drag? In a recent blog post, Dr. Robin Hanson believes that we trick ourselves:
This seems an obvious example of signaling aided by self-deception. It looks bad to your spouse to want to sleep apart. In the recent movie Hope Springs, sleeping apart is seen as a big sign of an unhealthy relation; most of us have internalized this association. So to be able to send the right sincere signal, we deceive ourselves into thinking we sleep better.
Instead of being about comfort or protection, co-sleeping is a signal on the part of each to remain committed to the same sham.
(h/t Andrew Sullivan)
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I’m a woman and I don’t like to sleep with my boyfriend in the same bed. I love him very much but we have very different sleeping styles and I can’t sleep when we are in the same bed. My friends and family say “I need to change that about me or then my relationship will fall apart” Why? If we spend all this quality time together when we are awake? Why do we have to be happily together when we are not even conscious? Sleeping is for health and a process needed to rest and replenish energy, it is… Read more »
I think the reason that men and women sleep differently when bed sharing boils down to an evolutionary stand point. Women are mother’s and when carrying for our very young often bed share with them in order to protect them and also be available to tend their nightly needs. Men on the other hand are the protectors, when they have spouse/children in the bed with them they have whole other lives besides their own to look out for, so they become alert and sleep lightly until the other has left the bed to go about their day. I could be… Read more »
I’ve been with my husband for 4 years and before him I never got a full night’s sleep. Even in high school I would lay awake at night watching TV and reading because I just couldn’t sleep. During my drinking years that was great because I could get 4 hours of sleep after being out all night then go to work in the morning like I’d slept all night. Now is totally different. I still struggle with insomnia in times of great stress (two kids and a tight income do that) but I would say my husband and I are… Read more »
To me, there is nothing more relaxing than the sound of another’s heart beating. My sleep may be lighter with a partner, but I’m so much more relaxed that I am better rested in the morning.
So true and like your style of writing…
Interesting ideas on the difference between women and men in their sleep preferences. Biologically it might make sense that women feel safer with someone by their side (man or woman), but this doesn’t account for children — male or female — who always seem to want to sleep with their parents in order to feel safe.
This is strange..but i guess we are all different..:) I sleep very well with my partner lying next to me, so does he! Infact I pretty much judge a new relationship by how well I can sleep with him. For me, it is a lot more important a barometer than sex is, coz sex can get better with time, but the kind of security you feel with the other person, doesnt change overnight. N it is not always a logical thing, I am not sure of my reasons for feeling safe enough to fall asleep next to a guy, not… Read more »
Cause you are a woman!!!!!!!
Um not exactly the reason. I’m a woman and I hate sleeping with anyone. You can’t sleep! You are constantly woken up by the other person whether they are in your space, touching you, or keeping you awake from the start. Funny thing is that if my child sleeps with me, I have no issue. Caveat: my children don’t move around, kick me or anything else. They crash out hard. But they never are in my space, trying to be up on me. Many of my women friends, actually all the women that I know now that I think about… Read more »
You didn’t come to the obvious – that most mammals sleep together for protection and shared body heat? So obvious is the evolutionary trend.
Six months ago I read this post and was in a long distance relationship, living in different countries. All I wanted was to be able to sleep beside my man on a consistent basis. For the last three months we’ve been together – at last! I love him dearly and yet have had sub-optimum sleep ever since. The only time I sleep well is when I’ve been so frustrated I’ve flung myself elsewhere (first the couch and now the spare bed… often half way through the night, sometimes from the start). I have been physically wornout, mentally unsharp, and a… Read more »
babe, i love you to the moon and back but, we really do need a bigger bed.
I’m not sure about these gender based studies…kinda want to see their methodology. While I agree that sleeping with someone can result in interrupted, lower quality sleep, I can’t believe that it is different for men and women. Co-sleeping takes some getting used to and, like a relationship, it takes work. I typically do not sleep well in the early stage of a co-sleeping relationship. At the beginning of the relationship, my dude would pass out and would I just lay still, paralyzed with love…or something..until I’d drift off. This dynamic changes with relationship and life changes. Everyone is different.… Read more »
Co-sleeping vs Sleeping separate… Really the biggest thing that matters is ARE YOU SLEEPING? If you sleep well together that is awesome. But if you aren’t then that will make your relationship extremely unhealthy. Relationships work best when both units are healthy and happy. If you are tired, you are far from both happy and healthy. You will anger easily, your body will ache and you will feel tired all the time. To continue to sleep together will doom your relationship into a downward spiral of no sleep and arguments that will cause more sleepless nights. Nothing is wrong with… Read more »
Separate (single size) covers and a king-size bed does the trick for us. That way we can sleep together, but independently. For me, sharing covers is a nightmare. As is too little room.
I don’t believe this is accurate. From what this science is saying is that a person is nothing but an individual with shellfish needs. I honestly miss my wife and have trouble sleeping without her near me, not that I haven’t liked a good rest without her from time to time, but a part of me misses her where she’s not near. This is due to a heart that loves and a mind that recognizes that LOVE needs to always be in charge of the heart, mind and soul.
When you are breastfeeding a baby, two beds in separate rooms is the only way the husband is going to get any sleep! Too much togetherness is confining!
From my experience, the best sleep I can get is when I`m with someone else next to me. It`s either a close friend or my boyfriend. Actually last night while sitting next to him I was observing how fast my body was relaxing and preparing to shut down. There`s a feeling I almost never achieve while being alone, no matter how tired I am. When we`re apart at nights I can see it on my own and – from what he`s sharing – we fall asleep harder and the quality of the sleep is lower than usual. In the amount… Read more »
If I ever end up in a co-habitation relationship again I will urge for separate bedrooms. Where we may have our own space, design our own rooms to reflect the nuances of our own unique personalities. That we can continue to have sleepovers for as long as we are together and we may crawl into our own space when we need that deep full sleep. When we move into one room into one bed (and start ‘falling asleep’ together) then one person is likely going to dominate that space. Plus I don’t want to fall asleep with someone, I want… Read more »
It did take a certain amount of adjustment, but my husband and I sleep better in the same bed than we do apart now. He almost never wakes me up in the middle of the night and I have trouble falling asleep without him there.
My husband I sleep very well in the same bed, however my aunt and uncle haven’t slept in the same bed in years as they sleep better apart. If you can find someone you can successfully sleep in the same bed as, that’s great. Our rest is key to a myriad of factors and I’d personally rather see a person well-rested than sleeping in the same bed because it’s dictated we must.
I’m mixed on this one. I love sleeping in bed by myself, but I hate falling asleep without my partner. I feel safe and comforted knowing he’s beside me. I think he prefers to sleep without me, but I know he loves waking up together. Just snuggling is great, but the occasional early morning lovemaking session really has a positive impact on the rest of the day, too!
I agree, Autumn. I’m kind-of selfish about my space, but miss the protected feeling when he isn’t there. I get frustrated when he won’t come to bed because my sequence is out of wack. Wow, that sounds really selfish.
I am definitely the one who causes the sleep issues, I’m a very heavy sleeper, always asleep first, blanket hog (in my sleep) and I occasionally have the odd shout of nonsensical jabber. ………I’m clearly quite the catch ha!!! I have just been on holiday with my boyfriend and the apartment that we stayed in had a huge bed but two single Duvets …it was amazing!!! I am a fidget before I fall asleep and I love to tuck my self in with the covers, 2 things that usually aren’t possible. The moment I fall asleep I seem to lay… Read more »
we sleep together, because it makes sex a lot easier and more likely to happen…..
but in the long run, sleeping separately a few nights a week is a good idea….
I love sleeping with someone else, as long as the bed is big enough! I used to have a lot of nightmares, and those all but stopped once my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband) started spending the night. Now, I even enjoy sleeping next to a friend, my mom, whoever. There’s just something so calming about sleeping beside someone you care about.
The oldest generation slept in separate beds. That way, the other person wouldn’t get woken up almost whenever you turned over or touched them. It’s one matter being cuddled, and another getting a good nights sleep. Insomnia is also quite common now. The older generation were more wiser than we thought. There can also be that if one or both snore than separate bedrooms.
My boyfriend says he can’t get to sleep without touching me and feeling that I am there. When either of us goes away for a work trip, neither of us can sleep well until we are reunited. Being pressed against each other is actually quite comforting for us. I am convinced that snuggling with my boyfriend in the early morning while we are still waking up is the greatest feeling ever. That said, I did once have a relationship in my past with a man who hated sleeping with me. He would shake me awake several times through the night… Read more »
That guy sounds like he had “issues” to put it mildly. That’s just weird behavior.